Parenting – PAOLOPUNZALAN.COM

HOW POWERFUL ARE OUR WORDS? DAD, BLESS YOUR CHILDREN

My eldest son and I had a conversation about a book that he read entitled Subliminal:How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior. In the book, the author Leonard Mlodinow, he cites a study on how expectations and words affect our children.

In one of the research, teachers that spoke positive words, expected good performance from their students and placed under the gifted group, they actually ended with better grades as compared to those who were in an average category.

Long story short, our words matter.
People who have authority in our lives, their words make an impact, for better or for worse.

Years ago, I read a book by Gary Smalley and John Trent entitled The Blessing. They wrote about how powerful the words of a parent, especially of the father’s. They talked about Brian, who spent a lifetime seeking his father’s approval. At his father’s deathbed, Brian pleaded one last time, “Please say you love me, please!”

It is interesting how we see this in the Jewish culture where patriarchs practice blessing their children consistently like Abraham and Isaac, Isaac and Jacob, Jacob and his children. It has become part of their daily life. No wonder you see men who grew up in that culture achieve extraordinary accomplishments in their lives. These men include Steven Spielberg, Michael Bloomberg, Mark Zuckerberg, Ben Shapiro, Irving Moskowitz, Mortimer Zuckerman. I don’t mean that they are all followers of Christ or God-fearers, but because they come from a culture that patriarchs bless their children, they grow up with these words that impact their future.

DAD, CAN YOU BLESS ME?

As I have learned this principle, I remember asking my dad to bless me.
He must’ve thought I was weird or have lost it.
To those who are unfamiliar, I didn’t grow up with my dad. The first time I met him was when I was 16 years old after my parents broke up before I turned 1.

But when I met him and after reading the book, I took the opportunity to ask him to bless me.
That was a weird conversation and such an awkward one to say the least.

He asked what he should say.
I told him to simply say “I bless you, son.” And whatever else he felt telling me, he can add to that statement.

Awkwardly, he did and more.
Guess what happened that night?
Thunder. Lightning. Everything changed.

Well, not really.
Actually, not much happened that night.

But in the next few years, I realized that something turned that night. I did not just feel I was blessed by my dad. I felt complete as a son and a young man.

As a result, when I got married, I had asked God for grace to bless my children as often as I could.
There was a book my wife and I purchased that helped us pray prayers over our kids while we would tuck them in bed. It was entitled Bless Your Children. It provided us with words directly from Scripture framed as a prayer and a blessing to our kids.

Dads, bless your children.
Bless them with your words.
Bless them with meaningful touch.
Bless them with love and acceptance.
Bless them with words of life that speak of a special future.
Bless them with your genuine commitment.
Bless them with affirmation.

TWENTY LIFE-GIVING PHRASES FOR OUR KIDS

Julie Brasington gives 20 Life-Giving phrases we can release to our kids:

* “I see God working in your life.”
“I love you and Jesus loves you most of all.”
“God is always with you!” (Matthew 28:20)
“You are a beloved child of the King!” (1 Peter 2:9-10)
“You are a gift from God.” (James 1:17)
“You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength!” (Philippians 4:13)
“God has a good plan for your life.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
“You are strong in the Lord!” (Ephesians 6:10)
“With God, all things are possible!” (Matthew 19:26)
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)
“You are loved – no matter what. There is nothing you can do that will change that.” (Romans 5:8)
“Jesus loves spending time with you and so do I.” (Luke 10:38-42)
“Let me pray for/with you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
“Trust Jesus with (insert here – this situation, this fear, this desire, etc.).” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
“I love that God helped you (insert here something that your child did – be creative, work hard, think of others, do the right thing, bless someone, sacrifice something that meant a lot to them, be kind to a sibling) today!” (Psalm 28:7)
“God is concerned about every detail of your life.” (1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 10:30, Psalm 139:1-3)
“There is so much grace for you.” (Hebrews 4:16) I say this one while hugging a child who is broken over his/her sin.
“I’m sorry – will you forgive me?” (1 John 1:9) This is for when WE make mistakes and sin against them – our kids NEED to know that we are sinners and in need of a Savior – just like them, and “It is finished.” (John 19:30)
“Thank you, God, for this precious boy/girl!” (Isaiah 43:4)
“I am so happy/proud/honored/blessed that God made me your dad/mom.”

WHAT IS THE GOAL OF PARENTING?

What is our goal in parenting?

Many books, experts and seminar speakers give us varied objectives. But allow me to propose one vital goal we need to have as parents as we train our children to become fully functioning adults. Hope this video helps.

DRONE PARENTING

Drones are very popular these days, especially in taking photos and videos during weddings. They’re cool, fun and take amazing shots.

But when it comes to parenting, it can become uncool, not fun and unamazing when done in the wrong way.

Drone parenting is hovering around your kids and staying with them as much as you can so that you know their every move and hear their every conversation.

Just to let you know, when your kids are infants, toddlers and grade school, you have to hover over them. They need you to guide, lead and point them to the right direction.

However, when they get older, it won’t be as feasible and practical.

Drone parenting is when…

– You go to every high school party they attend.
– You listen to every conversation they have with their friends.
– You try to read every tweet, sms, Instagram comment, telegraph app message and the like.
– You watch every viral video that they watch on Facebook or You Tube.
– You filter every reading material they come across with.

To be clear, I am not saying to detach yourself from being involved in your children’s life and leave them to figure things out for themselves. But at the same breath, we have to know that we can’t hover over them 24/7.

From 0-6 years old, our kids are in the telling stage.
We tell them what they should do most of the time.
“Brush your teeth.”
“Time to sleep.”
“Eat your vegetables.”

From 7-12 years old, our kids are in the teaching stage.
We teach them to start making small decisions on their own.
“Blue shirt or red shirt?”
“Batman or Superman?”
“Cheese fries or Barbecue fries?”
But obviously in major things, we still have huge inputs.

From 13-18 years old, they are now in the training stage.
We train them to become more and more independent.
“Just take Uber going to your friends house.”
“Study for your exams on your own.”
“Determine how much you’ll save and how much you’ll spend.”

From 19-adulthood, they are in the coaching stage.
Our role as parents is to just coach them when the have a question.
But since they’re adults, they have to be empowered to make their own decisions.

The older our kids get, the less dependent they will be on us.
However, our goal is for them to be more dependent on God.

Allow me to pray for all the parents reading this.

Heavenly Father, thank You for the honor of raising, training and discipling the next generation right in our home. We don’t always get it right and we end up doing dumb things. But, Lord, in our hearts, we desire the best for our children. Teach us to be sensitive to Your leading, obedient to Your Word and teachable in our moments of inexperience. By Your grace, we will be the best parents for our kids and by faith, we will see a generation rise up that will please You with their lives.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.

WHEN VALUES ARE CLEAR, DECISIONS ARE SIMPLER.

When values are clear, decisions are simpler.

Now, simpler doesn’t mean easier for many decisions we need to make are difficult. But when priorities are clear cut, choices are simpler.

I read a recent article by Sports Illustrated on Jermaine O’Neal, a six-time NBA All-Star, Most Improved Player in 2002. He helped Indiana Pacers reach the NBA Playoffs 6 times but never got a championship ring.

In 2013, he signed with the Golden State Warriors to play through 2014. But after a year with the Warriors, he decided to call it a career. The year after that, the Warriors went on to win their first championship after a 40-year drought.

When his former team won the championship, he was watching the game back at his house in Southlake, Texas. His 15-year-old daughter, Asjia watched her dad watch the game and asked, “Are you OK?”

O’Neal didn’t say a word.

She knew he was pondering on what might have been if he stayed another year.

But for years, he told his family that they were his priority. His daughter just recovered from an open heart surgery. And while contemplating on signing with the Warriors for another year (the year they won the championship), his son told him, “Hey dad, I need you.”

“Physically, I could have done it. Mentally, no. My son and my family asked me not to, and that was the trump card. That did something to me. I was seeing changes in my son, he became more angry. And for a guy who didn’t meet his dad until seven years ago myself, I understood what it meant not to have a dad there,” O’Neal mentions in his interview with Sports Illustrated.

After she asked her dad if he was ok, Asjia walks up to her room.

A few minutes later, she sends him a text telling him about how happy she was that he was home. After recovering from her open heart surgery, she made it to volleyball team in her school and is now a rising star.

Asjia tells her dad how she appreciates him not only being home but also being able to travel with her to watch her play her volleyball games.

“Dad, you being home is like you being a champion.”

This text made what he gave up all worth it.

“It made me so emotional. When she wrote the text, how much it meant to her, to get that, it cleared up everything. All the emotions I had, missing out on the championship. That did it and I knew right away that my time was over,” O’Neal said.

“Sometimes you can’t be a champion. That doesn’t determine who you are,” he says. “But you can be a champion father, and that means everything. That means everything.”

When values are clear, decisions are simpler.

To read the full article from Sports Illustrated, click here.

THE IMPORTANCE OF A BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW

Worldviews are what dictate how a person behaves. It is our life lens. If we wear sunglasses that are blue, then everything around us will be blue-ish. Having a Biblical Worldview is having the Bible as our life lens.

When my daughter was 8 years old, we were in an amusement center where they gave tickets to get prizes like stuff toys. When we got to the Skee Ball, beside our machine was one that had a bunch of tickets unclaimed.

When I saw it, I told her, “Look, free tickets!”
She stared at me with a weird look and said, “Dad, if you get what isn’t yours, isn’t that stealing?”

She got me.
“I was just checking, honey.” Haha.

I grew up with a worldview of “finders keepers.”
Hers was “getting what is not yours is stealing.”

The Word of God has the power to shift our mindsets to right thinking.
And right thinking leads to right living.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

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PHOTO CREDIT: https://www.flickr.com/photos/97255458@N05/

INSTANT vs. DELAYED GRATIFICATION

“I want some Skittles! And I want them now!!!”

Many of us have had this situation in the grocery store check out line. Grocery stores are very smart. They strategically position the candies and toys right when we’re about to pay… at the time when the kids are tired, hungry, cranky and impatient after tagging along with mom and dad at the supermarket.

We live in a world where we can get things in an instant.
Information can be downloaded in a few seconds as compared to going to a library going through a card catalogue to get to the specific book we need.
Preparing dinner is now quick and easy through a microwave oven as compared to lighting up the stove, heating up the pan and cooking your meal.
Communication moves in lightning speed. Sending a letter is now as swift as blinking your eyes compared to getting an envelope, sticking a stamp and going to the post office send your mail.
Reading news is no longer through the paper bought from a newsstand but via Twitter that gives an update every minute.

It’s a completely different world. But unfortunately, it also has rewired the way we approach life. Because we are used to getting things quick, we feel incomplete and unresolved when we don’t.

And teaching our children to wait has become more complicated and arduous.

Delayed gratification is the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and wait for a later reward based on a greater value.

Psychology Today wrote an article last year that explained it this way.

“In 1970 psychologist Walter Mischel famously placed a cookie in front of a group of children and gave them a choice: they could eat the cookie immediately, or they could wait until he returned from a brief errand and then be rewarded with a second. If they didn’t wait, however, they’d be allowed to eat only the first one. Not surprisingly, once he left the room, many children ate the cookie almost immediately. A few, though, resisted eating the first cookie long enough to receive the second.

Interestingly, the children who were best able to delay gratification subsequently did better in school and had fewer behavioral problems than the children who could only resist eating the cookie for a few minutes—and, further, ended up on average with SAT scores that were 210 points higher. As adults, the high-delay children completed college at higher rates than the other children and then went on to earn higher incomes. In contrast, the children who had the most trouble delaying gratification had higher rates of incarceration as adults and were more likely to struggle with drug and alcohol addiction.”

We need to help our children learn this trait. The earlier they get this, the less heartaches they will experience in the future.

One of the most effective ways to distract our kids from a tempting pleasure is to focus on another pleasure that is based on a greater value.
As Roy Disney said, “It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”

By not eating one cookie before dinner, I can have 2 after dinner.
Because I did not spend my money impulsively on a cheaper yet flimsy toy, I can buy a nicer and better one.
If i discipline myself to wake up early to exercise rather than sleep in, I feel
better physically and emotionally.
By keeping my purity before marriage, I end up enjoying greater intimacy with my future spouse without the unnecessary heartaches.

Presenting a greater value to the one that is right before us may seem abstract at the moment but once we wrap our heads around it, we will realize that it is a way better choice.

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PHOTO CREDIT: https://www.flickr.com/photos/geracg/

IMPARTING WISDOM TO OUR CHILDREN

Wisdom is seeing and responding to life situations from a perspective that transcends my current circumstances.

Our children today are very smart. My eldest son actually has an IQ of 160. My second son can solve a Rubix cube in 30 plus seconds. My daughter’s musical ability is stellar. And my youngest son who is 6 years old is genius at being funny.

Kids these days can know a lot more from their parents because of Google and You Tube. The information they can gather over the internet is just limitless. (Read a recent blog I wrote about it.)

But as parents who have been entrusted with these amazing brains, how can we even help them if they know more about us? Well, they don’t (know more about us). Smart doesn’t necessarily mean wise. Wisdom comes from experience. Wisdom is applied knowledge.

Here are a few things we can do:

Teach them God’s standards from an early age.

Proverbs is a great way to impart wisdom. Since there are mostly 31 days in a month and 31 chapters in Proverbs, going through one chapter per day with them may be a good start. You may not need to read the whole chapter but simply choose a proverb or two that may apply to something they’re going through at the moment.

Remember that the goal is to train them to become fully functioning adults.

Our desire is to wean them off from us and get them connected to God. The trajectory is that as they become less dependent on us, they will become more dependent on God.

Teach them to seek God through His Word, through prayer and through the counsel of godly mentors.

Remind them about the ‘best question ever.’

Andy Stanley proposes that once we’ve met Christ, the major question is no longer “is this sin?” or “is this legal or illegal?” or “is this moral or immoral?” Many times, we know the answer to these questions. But it’s the little decisions that lead up to that one big fall is what gets us.

He proposes that the best question ever is no longer “is it moral or immoral?” but “What’s the wise thing to do?” It may sound very simple but when we teach our kids this question, it will be incredibly helpful in making the right decisions.

Is it wrong to be in the car parked in a dark area of the village past midnight with your boyfriend? It’s not sin but it’s not necessarily wise.
Is it wrong to watch You Tube seven hours a day? It’s not wrong but it’s not necessarily wise.
Is it wrong to surf the internet all by yourself locked in your room past midnight without internet porn filters? It’s not sin but it’s also not wise.
Is it sin to eat ice cream every meal, every day? Not necessarily but it’s also not wise.

It’s the small decisions that lead up to that one big fall that gets to us.
This question is a good one to teach our kids.

May God give us discernment and lead us as we parent the next generation who rises up before us. I know we are all busy but I pray that we would be able to invest time in imparting wisdom to these precious ones that we’ve been entrusted with.

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PHOTO CREDIT: https://www.flickr.com/photos/thearkev/

“HOW IMPORTANT AM I TO YOU, DAD?”

“Dad, let’s go back to Hong Kong!”

My daughter who was about 6 year old told me when we were looking at pictures from our trip. I asked her what about Hong Kong she enjoyed. I thought, maybe it’s our time in Ocean Park. Or was it the train ride from station to station? Or it might have been buying her tea set in the night market of Mongkok.

Her reply to my question surprised me. She said that it was when we played “Hook” in our tiny room in Shamrock Hotel. I tried to remember what the game was. It was when we were in the room and she was acting like Wendy from the movie Peter Pan. Her brother Nathan was Peter Pan and you would probably be able to guess who’s the bad guy (Hook) in the game. That would be me.

What I realized was that it wasn’t because of the shopping, nor the amusement park that she wanted to go back to Hong Kong. It was simply because of the time spent together.

When we are available for our children, it gives them a sense of importance. They feel that they are prioritized and loved. To them, love is spelled as T.I.M.E. And this would include ballet recitals, athletic events, meal times, graduation from summer workshops.

On the flip side, when we don’t make ourselves available, we communicate that yes, they are important but other things still come ahead of them. Thus, conveying that they are not THAT important.

That’s the funny thing about the discussion about quality and quantity time. I can’t tell my kids, “Alright, daddy has 15 minutes with you here in Mcdonald’s play place. Let’s make sure this is quality time. C’mon, let’s make this memorable.” It will sound conjured, manufactured and artificial. But quality time springs from quantity time. And I realize this is such a precious commodity these days.

A quick practical application to help us gauge our time with our kids is to ask them straight. “How can I be a better dad? What are things you enjoy? What do you consider fun?” Take notes and do it! There’s really no other way.

I love what Barbara Johnson said,

“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow,
you have to be in their lives today.”

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NOTE: This is part 4 of a 4 week series on Capturing Your Child’s Heart.
To read week 1, click here. (Affirmation)
To read week 2, click here. (Acceptance)
To read week 3, click here. (Affection)

This article, week 3 is on Affection.

PHOTO CREDIT: https://www.flickr.com/photos/edwardmusiak/

HUG YOUR KIDS!

I don’t know if you grew up in an affectionate environment but I certainly didn’t… at least in my childhood days. And studying in an all boys school didn’t help much. To be affectionate is seen as weak, faulty and lame. Thank God, when my mom became a Christian, we started becoming more expressive with our affection.

Somewhere in our wiring, God designed us desiring to feel loved and liked. Everyone wants to feel like they are loved. If they don’t get this from their home, they will certainly try to get it somewhere else.

Affection validates your statement that says, “I value you.”
Affection can be physical, verbal or through our actions. Affection is not only for parents to be shown to their children but even for husbands and wives. When I show my affection to my wife, Jenn, this can speak volumes to my children. It says to them, “Dad loves mom and is committed to her.” Nothing builds greater security than that.

One practical way to show affection to your kids is to give them a hug. I realize that it’s natural for some while for others, it is way out of the norm.

Listen to what hugging can do.

Hugging is healthy. It helps the body’s immune system, it
keeps you healthier, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it
induces sleep, it’s invigorating, it’s rejuvenating, it has no
unpleasant side effects, and hugging is nothing less than a
Miracle drug.

Hugging is all natural. It is organic, naturally sweet, no
pesticides, no preservatives, no artificial ingredients and 100
percent wholesome.

Hugging is practically perfect. There are no movable parts, no
batteries to wear out, no periodic check-ups, low energy
consumption, high energy yield, inflation proof, nonfattening, no
monthly payments, no insurance requirements, theft-proof,
non-taxable, non-polluting, and of course, fully returnable.
(source unknown)

According to an article on Huffington Post, here are 7 reasons why should be giving more hugs.

1. They make us feel good.
2. More hugs = lower blood pressure.
3. They alleviate our fears.
4. Hugging is good for our hearts.
5. Adults may actually benefit for from hugging.
6. Hugs are natural stress relievers.
7. Well hugged babies are less stressed as adults.

Try it today. You’ll never realize the magnitude of its dividends until years later.
Hugging your kids today is a major investment for tomorrow.

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NOTE: This is part 2 of a 4 week series on Capturing Your Child’s Heart.
To read week 1, click here. (Affirmation)
To read week 2, click here. (Acceptance)
This article, week 3 is on Affection.

PHOTO CREDIT: https://www.flickr.com/photos/david_mz/

CAPTURING YOUR CHILD’S HEART

This is the first of a 4 week parenting series on the topic of capturing our children’s hearts.

The 4 topics are AFFIRMATION, ACCEPTANCE, AFFECTION and AVAILABILITY.

Let’s start with affirmation.

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I didn’t grow up in a family where we were affirmed. It didn’t help that I grew up in a single parent home. My mom and dad separated when I was 11 months old, right before my first birthday.

Because that was the case, I grew up very insecure , trying to obtain a sense of significance through different means – athletics, friends, academic achievements. I wasn’t very successful in most of them but when I do squeak right in the achievement zone, it was a HUGE thing. And I mean HUGE. At least for me.

This led me to trying to get affirmation from whoever would give me a pat on the back. I became a people pleaser and while I looked humble on the outside, I was very prideful on the inside, trying to celebrate the win quietly. That ugly head of arrogance shows up every so often like that mole in the Whack-A-Mole game in the amusement park.

When I became a Christian, I realized that I was affirmed, loved and rescued not because of what I can do but because of what He has done for me when He sacrificed Himself on the cross. Realizing this truth, after I became a parent, I endeavored to mirror what my Heavenly Father showed me. He affirmed me in spite of me. That’s just who He is, a God of love.

Parenting is never easy but God’s grace is indeed available. It is so easy to catch our kids doing the wrong thing. It actually takes a deliberate effort at times to catch them doing the right thing. On a white wall, it is easy to focus on the small splotch of dirt than appreciate the whole white wall.

We can be specific with our words of affirmation.

“I appreciate you because…”
“I was pleased to see you…”
“Thank you for…”

This may be quite a challenge at the beginning for the uninitiated, but you’ll get used to it in time.

And you can never over encourage your children. I have yet to hear a toddler say, “Daddy, I already too encouraged by your words. Please stop because I don’t need encouragement anymore.” Believe me, go for it. They need to hear it from you.