RELATIONAL LEADERSHIP

Is this even possible? Being offended is an emotion. It is the result of someone causing us pain. So how do we “choose” not to feel it?

This morning, I taught in our Spiritual Foundations class. We touched a little bit on offense. It reminded me of the verse in Hebrews 12:15.

It says “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.“

Look out for each other. We need to check up on one another. Offense doesn’t just hurt the offended. When left unattended, it spreads. That’s why we watch out for each other, not just ourselves.

Watch out that no poisonous root grows. Bitterness is sneaky. Unless we’re self-aware, it takes root before we even notice. And it’s poisonous for it will hurt you, and it will hurt others. It brings trouble, both to yourself and to everyone around you.

So how do we choose to move past the offense?

1. Move the opposite spirit. Jesus said to turn the other cheek, to go the extra mile (Matthew 5:38-39). Moving the opposite direction doesn’t mean we dismiss the pain, don’t acknowledge the hurt, or forget the wound. It simply means we refuse to move in the direction offense wants to take us.

2. Watch our words. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Research on the illusory truth effect (Hasher, Goldstein & Toppino, 1977; confirmed by Fazio et al., 2015) shows repeated statements get judged as more true purely from repetition even when we know better.

Studies on disparagement humor (Thomas Ford and others) show the same pattern: repeated jokes that mock a person or group shape listeners’ attitudes toward the target, making negativity feel socially acceptable not just for the speaker, but for everyone who hears it repeated.

The more we speak negative words, the harder it becomes to walk them back before others start saying, “But didn’t you say… I thought you said…”

3. Make allowances for each other. Give margin. We all have faults. Colossians 3:13 (NLT) says it plainly: “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

Choosing not to be offended isn’t denying the pain. It’s refusing to let it take root.