RELATIONAL LEADERSHIP

STUCK IN A RELATIONSHIP

A few years ago, I spoke to a couple who hit a bump in their relationship.  They’ve been together since college and have been dating for several years.  They’ve been both losing interest in each other and no longer know where to take it.

After hearing them out, we’ve realized that they’ve hit a lid in their relationship.  The time they’ve spent, the experiences they’ve shared, the ‘kilig’ they’ve felt has hit a lid.

They needed to make a decision – either bring it to the next level (marriage) or make a decision if this is really what they want.

Someone said indecision becomes a decision with time.

I don’t know exactly how long is long but being in a relationship too long may not exactly be the healthiest. Intimacy wise, you cannot bring it to where you’d like to since you’re not yet married.  And the temptation becomes even more intense.

Breaking up is difficult because of the ‘sayang’ factor.  You’ve been with together for years and then that’s it?

But staying in a relationship just because you’ve been together for a long time is not the best reason to stay.

WARNING: Unsolicited advice…. (Don’t continue to read if you might not like the next statement.)

Guys, if you’re in a long term relationship and the relationship is getting stale, I suggest you take it to the next level – either get married or break it up. Why? Because the lady you are in a relationship with may be stuck and for all you know God has someone else for her but you’ve held her captive in the relationship you’re in.

But if it’s a go, then get married. Trust God for provision. Believe God for the best. He will never leave nor forsake.

Ladies, don’t let anyone take you captive in a relationship. You do know that you can make the decision to move on. You’re not married yet. And if he is not ready to back up his claim with a ring, then he has no business asking you to give your all to him.

By the way, you may ask what happened to the couple I spoke to years ago? They did get married, eventually. Now they’re living life to the fullest, enjoying all that God had promised in a marriage submitted to His will.

Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find? (Proverbs 20:6)

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Paolo Punzalan's avatar

Posted by:

Paolo Punzalan

Husband, father, pastor and most importantly, Christ follower.

15 responses to “STUCK IN A RELATIONSHIP”

  1. Ms. Confused Avatar
    Ms. Confused

    Hello,

    I want to share my experience. I guess I can really relate to this topic. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 4 years. I have asked my boyfriend about getting married and he is ok with it… The problem is, we don’t have enough budget to pursue a wedding

    Many times I am frustrated…. I even want to leave him for not giving me what I want…

    Reply
    1. paolo Avatar
      paolo

      i’ve been to weddings that have been lavish and cost lots of money. I’ve also been to ones that have been very simple. my sister in law had a very simple one yet it was the best that i’ve been to.

      i guess, what i am saying is that to get married, you don’t need millions in the bank. the presence of God in a marriage is what will make it work coupled with your love for one another.

      Reply
  2. Ernie Avatar
    Ernie

    Either get married or break it up? I really dont agree with this advice. How about trust and patience?

    Reply
    1. paolo Avatar
      paolo

      i agree with trust and patience. however, for the couple i was talking to, the length of time was already an issue. the girl was reaching her 30’s and she wanted to get married and have kids.

      unfortunately for women, they can’t be the one to initiate marriage proposal. the ball is in the guy’s court. that particular girl was waiting for him to propose for many years.

      Reply
  3. louie Avatar
    louie

    Why doe have to be the man’s decision only? “Because the lady you are in a relationship with may be stuck and for all you know God has someone else for her but you’ve held her captive in the relationship you’re in.” It’s the other way round also. A woman could hold a man captive even if a man does not love her.

    And for Ms confused…you want to leave your boyfriend because you guys don’t have a budget for getting married? i gues you don’t love him that much. As long as there is love and trust there are a lot of other ways to make your relationship to stay as beautiful as it is when you first met. married and break up??? What a stupid advise!

    Reply
    1. paolo Avatar
      paolo

      i appreciate your comment. i guess, that’s the problem with not being able to write the full context of the situation with that particular couple.

      the lady was getting up in her 30’s and she wanted to have children already. budget wasn’t an issue because she had a job and he had a thriving business. there was love and trust but they were already hitting the lid in the relationship. to get more intimate was to overstep boundaries and sin. to stay where they were was getting old.

      the difficulty in being in the lady’s position was that she couldn’t be the one to make the marriage proposal. she was waiting on the guy. they’ve talked about it but he’s not acting on their decision.

      Reply
  4. AveYHtagumpay! Avatar
    AveYHtagumpay!

    100% agree it happened to me, I got the Best choice!

    Love is a decision and it is a Spiritual Decision.
    If you’re stuck, as a missionary God told me” GO! Back to your first love Jesus!

    Reply
  5. Marie Avatar
    Marie

    i have been in a relationship for 7 years already with my boyfriend .. we talked about getting married but i dont really know. He is in the process of buying us a house for the future naman but i dont know if we will in fact get married.. parang mas sine-secure nya yung future namin first before marraige. The thing is I want to get married first sana.. unfortunately ngayon parang i am not sure anymore… 😦

    Reply
    1. GEORGINA Avatar
      GEORGINA

      ..oh no! I feel the same way, too.. 😦
      We’re turning 10 years next month but now I’m not certain with what to do next with him.. Yes, we opt to get married this year -sana- but I got terrified knowing from a common guy friend that he told him that I don’t have savings, that I eat a lot, and that I’m too ambitious to want a piano and work-live in Australia.. now, he’s back in the country (after working in Saudi for 4 years), we go out as what lovers do but I’m NOT IN THE MOOD/NOT EXCITED to prepare for the so-called wedding, I haven’t told him I have savings, I have plans of going abroad without him and I intend to eat a lot when he’s around (to annoy him more)… haay, I just can’t be “Barbie” when he’s not “Ken”..
      stricken by pride..with hatred in my heart… haaay…

      I was struck by these lines: “Breaking up is difficult because of the ‘sayang’ factor. You’ve been with together for years and then that’s it?
      But staying in a relationship just because you’ve been together for a long time is not the best reason to stay.”

      Reply
  6. Tushinka Avatar
    Tushinka

    I need to share this to several friends. Anyone who wants to be in a relationship must have the vision of marriage. Decision to get married must also align in God’s appointed time.

    Thanks, Ptr Paolo 🙂

    Reply
  7. Contessa Avatar
    Contessa

    I totally agree with what you have written. Thank you for writing this. The more I get different angles on what marriage and relationships are supposed to be in light of God’s Word, the more the Lord strengthens my conviction to wait on His timing. 🙂

    Indeed, we must keep on encouraging each other as the world is not subtle about pulling us away from Jesus Christ.

    Reply
    1. paolo Avatar
      paolo

      I agree. He has His perfect timing. Ecc. 3 – He will make all things beautiful in His time. God bless you guys.

      Reply
  8. Lulu Avatar
    Lulu

    I can relate to this as well. My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years. My boundaries are overstepped and it is the source of our disagreement. I try to believe the best in him but it’s a struggle for me because I dont think he’s fighting as much to keep our relationship pure. I’m pursuing MA and recently resigned so we can’t get married yet. I really dont know which road to take.

    Reply
    1. elgine Avatar
      elgine

      Very Insightful post. Suggest all who are in their bachelorhood should read this post http://www.cbn.com/family/DatingSingles/RSJ_Waiting.aspx

      Reply
  9. Sandra Avatar
    Sandra

    Sound to me that BOTH have problems hearing GOD. And not putting God first in the relationship. Getting married is a BIG decision and a big step and our Father God should be involved in it. If my children is getting married, they would want to talk to their parents about it. And in this situation it does not sound like GOD is involved or have a hard time hearing God whether to go ahead get married or not. I do recall when I had a christian boyfriend before. My pastor at that time was pushing us to get married but I took it to a prayer, I told God, if he is NOT your will, then break us up. Because I want YOU to come first in my life. I know full well that God should come first and I want Jesus involved in this big decision. And sure enough , we broke up in less than a week. I was heart broken but He always comes first. Years later, I asked God who is going to be my husband. I refused to get involved with anybody in church. I refused to date anybody. In everything I put God first. THE Lord spoke to me in an audible voice. Loud and clear. Like a boom box. And spoke my soon to be husband name. At that time , we were not even courting. And long story short. He courted, we got married. Been married for 21 years now.
    Women who is approaching in their 30’s and so afraid of not getting married at that age, is submitting to the spirit of fear. Instead of living in faith in the Lord. I met women also who refused to pray “if this is NOT Your Will Lord, then break us up”. Will we get heart broken ? YES. But I also know putting God first in all things , He will also Put us First since I know I am a beloved child of God. He loves me and He has the best intention for me. I strongly believe that God should be in the center of this major decision making. No where was it advise to the couple , take this to God and see what He says about it. What is God’s opinion on this ? Was His opinion not important any longer ? Can’t this couple hear God for themselves ? Don’t tell me that they cannot hear God, if my children cannot hear my instructions , then I would speak LOUDER . God is the same thing , He is my Father. He will and Can speak louder in regards to this type of decision. ITs not a matter of time of how long they been together. Its a matter of what is HIS , the Lord’s opinion in this.

    Reply

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