Relationships – PAOLOPUNZALAN.COM

HOW POWERFUL ARE OUR WORDS? DAD, BLESS YOUR CHILDREN

My eldest son and I had a conversation about a book that he read entitled Subliminal:How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior. In the book, the author Leonard Mlodinow, he cites a study on how expectations and words affect our children.

In one of the research, teachers that spoke positive words, expected good performance from their students and placed under the gifted group, they actually ended with better grades as compared to those who were in an average category.

Long story short, our words matter.
People who have authority in our lives, their words make an impact, for better or for worse.

Years ago, I read a book by Gary Smalley and John Trent entitled The Blessing. They wrote about how powerful the words of a parent, especially of the father’s. They talked about Brian, who spent a lifetime seeking his father’s approval. At his father’s deathbed, Brian pleaded one last time, “Please say you love me, please!”

It is interesting how we see this in the Jewish culture where patriarchs practice blessing their children consistently like Abraham and Isaac, Isaac and Jacob, Jacob and his children. It has become part of their daily life. No wonder you see men who grew up in that culture achieve extraordinary accomplishments in their lives. These men include Steven Spielberg, Michael Bloomberg, Mark Zuckerberg, Ben Shapiro, Irving Moskowitz, Mortimer Zuckerman. I don’t mean that they are all followers of Christ or God-fearers, but because they come from a culture that patriarchs bless their children, they grow up with these words that impact their future.

DAD, CAN YOU BLESS ME?

As I have learned this principle, I remember asking my dad to bless me.
He must’ve thought I was weird or have lost it.
To those who are unfamiliar, I didn’t grow up with my dad. The first time I met him was when I was 16 years old after my parents broke up before I turned 1.

But when I met him and after reading the book, I took the opportunity to ask him to bless me.
That was a weird conversation and such an awkward one to say the least.

He asked what he should say.
I told him to simply say “I bless you, son.” And whatever else he felt telling me, he can add to that statement.

Awkwardly, he did and more.
Guess what happened that night?
Thunder. Lightning. Everything changed.

Well, not really.
Actually, not much happened that night.

But in the next few years, I realized that something turned that night. I did not just feel I was blessed by my dad. I felt complete as a son and a young man.

As a result, when I got married, I had asked God for grace to bless my children as often as I could.
There was a book my wife and I purchased that helped us pray prayers over our kids while we would tuck them in bed. It was entitled Bless Your Children. It provided us with words directly from Scripture framed as a prayer and a blessing to our kids.

Dads, bless your children.
Bless them with your words.
Bless them with meaningful touch.
Bless them with love and acceptance.
Bless them with words of life that speak of a special future.
Bless them with your genuine commitment.
Bless them with affirmation.

TWENTY LIFE-GIVING PHRASES FOR OUR KIDS

Julie Brasington gives 20 Life-Giving phrases we can release to our kids:

* “I see God working in your life.”
“I love you and Jesus loves you most of all.”
“God is always with you!” (Matthew 28:20)
“You are a beloved child of the King!” (1 Peter 2:9-10)
“You are a gift from God.” (James 1:17)
“You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength!” (Philippians 4:13)
“God has a good plan for your life.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
“You are strong in the Lord!” (Ephesians 6:10)
“With God, all things are possible!” (Matthew 19:26)
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)
“You are loved – no matter what. There is nothing you can do that will change that.” (Romans 5:8)
“Jesus loves spending time with you and so do I.” (Luke 10:38-42)
“Let me pray for/with you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
“Trust Jesus with (insert here – this situation, this fear, this desire, etc.).” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
“I love that God helped you (insert here something that your child did – be creative, work hard, think of others, do the right thing, bless someone, sacrifice something that meant a lot to them, be kind to a sibling) today!” (Psalm 28:7)
“God is concerned about every detail of your life.” (1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 10:30, Psalm 139:1-3)
“There is so much grace for you.” (Hebrews 4:16) I say this one while hugging a child who is broken over his/her sin.
“I’m sorry – will you forgive me?” (1 John 1:9) This is for when WE make mistakes and sin against them – our kids NEED to know that we are sinners and in need of a Savior – just like them, and “It is finished.” (John 19:30)
“Thank you, God, for this precious boy/girl!” (Isaiah 43:4)
“I am so happy/proud/honored/blessed that God made me your dad/mom.”

WHY IS ENVY DANGEROUS?

“I wish had had what she had.”
“If only I had more of what he has, I’ll be better.”
“How I wish I had more.”

I remember visited a relative. She was talking about how her daughter now has 3 cars and a nice house. While I was throughly satisfied and grateful for my life, it was interesting how envy started to creep in my heart wanting what my relative had.

Dr. Richard Smith of University of Kentucky published an article describing envy. According to him, “envy can be a destructive emotion both mentally and physically. Envious people tend to feel hostile, resentful, angry and irritable. Such individuals are also less likely to feel grateful about their positive traits and circumstances.”

That was exactly how I felt – I started to feel ungrateful. Harold Coffin insightfully declared, “envy is the art of counting other people’s blessings instead of your own.”

If you sense that envy is beginning to take over, here are a few reminders:

1. Envy saps us of peace.

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30)

Because we desire to have what we don’t have, we end up being dissatisfied. Dissatisfaction is one of the quickest ways to drain our hearts of peace.

2. Envy comes from within.

For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. (Mark 7:21-22)

The problem is not our environment but our hearts. Even if we shield ourselves from other people, the core of the concern is from within not without.

3. Envy does no good to us.

Proverbs 23:17-18 says, “Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.”

What brings hope is the fear of the Lord. When we have Christ as center, we will be content and see that envy has no place in our hearts.

4. Envy has no place in the kingdom of God.

“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Galatians 6:19-21)

As people who have been saved by grace through faith in Christ, the items in the list the Apostle Paul gives no longer has place in our hearts. Part of the list is envy. Because we have been saved, everything after salvation is bonus. Every thing we have is something we are to be grateful for.

5. Envy has no part in love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Love rejoices in other’s victories and does not envy.

The next time envy knocks on the doorstep of your heart, you can:

– list down the things God has given you.

– shift your focus on what you don’t have to what you already have

– remind yourself that nobody has it all.

– stop comparing yourself to others.

– spend time with grateful people.

– celebrate the success of others.

– be generous

WHAT THIS VIRUS HAS ALLOWED ME TO PONDER ON

After taking a walk around our neighborhood tonight with my family (which we haven’t done in quite a long time), I remembered a composition my daughter in law, Pauline, sent me.

It is apparently written by Chinese pastor to a brother in Christ in Istanbul. I am uncertain about the veracity and accuracy of the author’s information, but the composition is worth the read and will cause you to consider the author’s insights nonetheless.

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“QUIET CHINA”

The hustle and bustle of China finally quiets down, the restless society comes to a still, and the restless Chinese people gradually calm down.

The wild animals that were once held by humans in cages finally managed to keep humans in cages.

Humans finally lower their proud head and have begun to think quietly: Are we still the king of the earth?

Mankind finally feels the power of nature once again….

In the face of the threat of death, human beings have only begun to reflect seriously, only to realize that a lack of awe-inspiring social atmosphere will lead to more harm and more risks.

The greedy heart is being purified by the virus, and the mouth that loves to eat is being punished by the virus. The people who have been soaking in the bright red and green places all day have been driven home by the virus, saying…. “Go home!”

There are fewer and fewer people on the street, few cars on the road.

The air is getting fresher…. the haze is gone…. the sky is getting bluer…. the sun is getting brighter…. family lives are getting warmer, harmonious, and cordial. People’s hearts have become more and more calm.

People who haven’t read for years have picked up books at home. Parents and children who had no communication, couples who couldn’t speak a few words a year have opened up the conversation box. Children who do not know how to respect the elderly have begun to be filial.

The virus teaches human beings a vivid and profound lesson. It makes us understand awe. It also lets us know what is called “good times.”

It also makes us feel true love on earth. It makes us gradually fall in love with “Return to the Road.”

We really should be grateful for this “enemy.” We need such an enemy to give us a “reminder” and give us “empowerment.”

The virus will not leave so quickly. It needs to see the cultivation of human good habits. The virus will not continue to rage, because human love will gather more power to keep the virus away. Time will tell us everything. Time will also prove what is right.

The virus reminds us that THERE IS AN ALMIGHTY.

And humans are just humans.

THE GRACE TO RELEASE BITTERNESS AND UNFORGIVENESS

Recently, I spoke to a man who felt offended and disrespected. While he had all the reasons to feel upset, it was very clear that his unforgiveness was eating him up. But it wasn’t just him, even his wife was greatly affected by his unforgiveness.

As a result, their relationships with their children, friends and other relatives were being affected. They would skip certain events and miss out on family gatherings because of the offense.

Hebrews 12:15 tells us to “see to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.”

When we allow bitterness to take root, three things happen.

1. Bitterness causes us to fail in obtaining the grace of God.

God’s grace is available for us to do the right thing. Morever, it is availble for us to be the right person even in a very difficult circumstance.

2. Bitterness causes trouble.

We may not perceive it but there are stumbling blocks that would hinder us from moving forward to all that God has for us. We end up staying at home. We avoid people. We lose our joy. We miss out on the peace God gives. These and so much more happen as a result.

3. Bitterness defiles other people.

To be defiled means to be ‘polluted’ and ‘contaminated.’ This is something God doesn’t want us to be in. When we are polluted, our minds are clouded and we end up saying things to others that can be hurtful, cutting and unkind. As a result, people get ‘contaminated’ and influenced by our words that they too look at other people the same way.

Lord, we know that your grace is available for us to release forgiveness and offense. We recognize that it is not the easiest thing to do, but that is why your grace is more than sufficient. Help us to embrace this grace so that we will not cause trouble and end up defiling others. Thank you for the freedom we will receive as we move in faith and respond to your grace to forgive. In Jesus’ name. AMEN.

IF WORDS CAN HURT, HOW CAN I DISCIPLINE MY TONGUE? HERE ARE A FEW QUESTIONS YOU CAN ASK.

In a comment culture we have today, it is very easy to drop words that can tear people down. Social media platforms’ comment sections have empowered each of us to say something after every post, article or photo. It can be a good thing or a bad thing.

In Ephesians 4:29, we are commanded – “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”

In our desire to make people laugh or be funny, we occasionally end up crossing the boundary lines of respect and courtesy.

Here are a few questions we can ask ourselves before saying something or commenting online:

1. Will it hurt others?
2. Will it encourage those who will hear?
3. Will it build my character?
4. Will it be helpful to the person I’m talking to?
5. Will it glorify God?

As we start this year (and decade), may God give us to grace to be mindful of what we say… “to not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (NIV)

Happy New Year!

HEALTH OVER HYPE

When a plant is healthy, it will naturally grow and bear fruit.

I spoke to Jared (not his real name), one of our small group leaders. He spoke to someone in church who stopped going to small group meetings out of the blue. He asked her why. Her response? She felt pressured. Her leader kept telling her, “since you have gone through this class and are done with that retreat, then you need to start your own small group.”

I am super sure that her leader meant well. Her intentions were to see her small group member take leaps of faith in leading someone to Christ. Growth and maturity happen when we lead others. But since she felt she wasn’t ready, she stopped going to her small group because she was afraid she was going to be asked again.

I told Jared this: “We have to remember, when a plant is healthy, it will naturally grow and bear fruit.”

We never see a farmer with a whip on his hand and force the plant or a tree to bear fruit. He does not whip the tree trunk to compel it to bear fruit.

What does he do? He fertilizes. He makes sure there’s ample water supply. He takes out any obstruction from the sun coming through. He does his best to do all he can to keep the plant healthy and remains in an environment of health.

I absolutely appreciate all our small group leaders. They work and labor in the field to bring many to Christ. They sacrifice time and resources. But let us remember that in our zeal to raise leaders, we want to make sure that the people we are leading are first healthy before we launch them out.

Relationship over rules.
People over process.
Health over hype.

What can we do?

1. Sincerely ask how they are spiritually.

Not if they doing ministry. Not if they are serving in church. Not if they are doing good deeds.
Ask if they are growing in their walk with Jesus.

2. Ask the Holy Spirit for discernment when they are ready to lead.

The Holy Spirit will lead us. He will guide us into all truth. If we acknowledge the Lord in all our ways, He will direct our paths. I realize that no one will ever be ready. I wasn’t and I don’t know if I ever will. But there’s a sense of timing and indicators to see if one is okay to be launched.

3. Perform check-ups every so often to see if they are growing and healthy.

Just because one is leading a group, it doesn’t mean he is spiritually invincible. How do I know that? It’s because I am not. I need people to help me, teach me, coach me, disciple me, train me and rebuke me if necessary.

As my pastor, Joey Bonifacio, would often say, “Slow is fast.”
When we hurry the process, we end up slower.
But when we take our time to strengthen and do all we can to see growth and health, then in time, God will launch them to bear fruit.
It’s never about the numbers.
Each one is valuable to God.

RELATIONSHIP OVER RULES

In our recent family trip to Melbourne, I met an owner and CEO of his company. He shared with me his experience when he took a business trip to Bali.

Because he had to stay a couple of nights, he booked at a 5-star hotel. He usually stays at the Ritz Carlton hotel, but when he looked at a hotel booking website, this other hotel (which also was a 5-star hotel) had a significant discount so he went ahead and booked a room himself to avail of the savings.

When he got to the hotel in Bali, he found out that his assistant also booked for him. Because of the double booking, he had 2 rooms under his name.

Talking at the guy at the front desk, he asked if there was any way to cancel the other room since he only needs one. The guy said no. Then my CEO friend asked if they could at least give him a couple of breakfast vouchers the next day so that his managers can eat with him during their breakfast meeting. The response? Another “no.” Frustrated, he asked, “Is there anything you can possibly do for me?” The front desk guy shook his head and said, “Sorry there’s nothing we can do.”

That night, my CEO friend went to a banquet he was invited to and met the General Manager of Ritz Carlton Bali. When asked about his experience with where he was staying, my CEO friend started venting his frustration to the Ritz GM. To this, the GM of Ritz said, “I’ll see what I can do.” My friend said, “No need. It’s okay. I was just sharing with you my experience.”

When my friend got back to his hotel room, he was surprised that there was a spread of food and goodies, a couple of bottles of champagne and a couple of breakfast vouchers for his managers. He called the Ritz GM and asked him what he did. The Ritz GM said that he just called the GM of the hotel my friend was staying in and relayed his experience.

My friend asked, “Why did you do that? I appreciate the gesture but why? You’re not getting anything out of this plus this was your competition.”

To this, the Ritz GM replied, “Wherever you are, you are Ritz Carlton family.”

Wow.

My CEO friend looked at me and said, “Pastor, guess where I will book next time?”

After he told me his story, I had a few takeaways.

1. Serve.

Whether it will directly benefit us or not, just go ahead and serve.

2. Insecurity is unattractive.

The Ritz GM didn’t feel slighted at all when a faithful client tried out another hotel. Sometimes we disconnect and cut off relationships because we feel people seem disloyal.

3. Empower others to serve.

It’s better to make a mistake on the side of serving people rather than serving policies. Remember to share this with your team members. And when they make a mistake by going over the budget or bending over backwards to accommodate when they decide to serve, commend rather than scold

Remember, relationship is more important than the rules. The rules serve the relationship not the other way around. Policies and rules are helpful. But they exist to strengthen and serve the relationships.

CONTRIBUTING FACTORS TO TEEN DEPRESSION

My wife Jenn and I spoke at a Marriage Retreat recently. During the Q & A portion, a couple asked about teen depression – how can we prevent it and how can we process it when it happens to our kids.

As we pondered the question more even after the retreat ended, I thought about three major (though not exhaustive) contributing factors to feelings of depression. Having worked as a guidance counselor and a teacher for many years, these insights have come from interactions with students and parents alike.

(DISCLAIMER: What I will be talking about are feelings of depression and not clinical depression for if felt for quite long periods of time, it’s best to consult a professional.)

The three contributing factors would be identity, family, and community.

1. IDENTITY

In an article written by Culture and Youth Studies, this current youth generation is the first to grow up without ever having seen a world without SMS, social media and similar forms of online platforms. Many of them access social media sites more than 10 times a day.

In a University of Missouri study, they found out that Facebook use was tied to depression, depending on how the users consumed the platform. The term “surveillance use” was introduced. It meant that users checked up on how their friends were doing and compared what they saw in their own lives which led to feelings of depression. They would “size up their accomplishments against others” producing envy that their gadgets, relationships, trips, clothing or possessions could not match up to what their friends posted. Thus, you can see #goals in their comments.

As parents, we have to teach our children that their identity and security can never come from what they have but in Who they have. Stuff will never satisfy. Only One can.

Our relationship with Jesus will be the answer. If we see who we are – sinners and messed up people and see who Jesus is – He who died a death we should have died and lived a life we should have lived, then there can be hope. Gadgets will get outdated. Relationships will come and go. People will change. Possessions will depreciate. And clothing will go out of style. But our relationship with Jesus is the only one that can truly satisfy.

We are accepted, loved and received. We don’t have to perform or prove ourselves. We belong not because of what we have done but because of what Christ has done for us in Calvary. This is the gospel that we are to preach to ourselves every day. We are fully known yet we are fully loved. For God so loved, He gave. He demonstrated this love that while we were at enmity with Him, He died for our mess ups.

We need to realize that we can send our kids to the best schools and give them the best education, but that too will never suffice. We can give them the largest lump sum one can give as an inheritance, but that too can never satisfy. “Silver and gold we have none.” But what we can give them is Jesus.

2. FAMILY

The relationships we have is a major factor as well. Having worked as a guidance counselor for years, children have come to my office countless of times asking for prayer. Much of our prayer items were related to familial relationships. From their parent’s marriage to their relationship with siblings, these are the content of our conversations.

This I can say – one of the best gifts we can give to our children is a strong marriage. There is a sense of insecurity that attaches when they feel that their parent’s marriage is shaky.

Wounds that come from how kids are treated growing up also come into play. From verbal abuse to physical maltreatment to emotional oppression, these are things that can lead to loneliness, sadness, pain which ultimately lead to depression.

3. COMMUNITY

Who our kids associate with is an important thing to consider. Hurt people hurt people. Insecure people attract insecure people. Broken people seek completion from others who unfortunately are just as broken. That is why the first factor is important. We need to know whose we are more than who we are. Because whose we are will determine who we are. As we embrace who God is in our lives, we begin to understand who He designed us to be.

A community who understands this will remind each other of our real value – value that is only found in Christ.

But when young people get together with others who are unsure of who they are in Christ, then they will merely try to feed off each others’ insecurities. Surveillance surfing happens to compare what others have and what they don’t have.

But a community who knows Who designed them and what they were designed to do will ward off emotions that will not be beneficial for the young person.

There is indeed hope. With man, it may seem impossible. But with God, all things are possible. What the enemy may have planned for evil, God has the ability to turn around for good. He can cause all things to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

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NOTE: If you are going through feelings of depression for more than 6 months, it would be best to consult a professional.

CAN YOU FEEL THE PRESSURE OF VALENTINES DAY?

To some extent, we call can.
That’s probably why CNN tells us that Valentine’s Day sales will skyrocket to $18.6 billion this year.

Why is there so much pressure? A few come to mind – social media posts, friends, culture, Netflix, songs on the radio. These and more can weigh a person down with so much pressure.

While it is good to celebrate love and the people we love, how do we not allow this day to dictate our emotions, lead to frustration, ruin expectations and harass us towards depression?

TO THE SINGLES:

1. Find someone to express your love towards.
I don’t mean to find a date or check out Tinder. You have so much love to share that there are many who need an encouragement or appreciation. From a relative in the hospital or a friend in dire need, looking outward rather than inward may be one of the best things you can do this Valentine’s Day.

2. Celebrate what you already have.
Try this out. List 5 things you are thankful for in your life. Pretty soon. You will notice a change of attitude. You have many things to thank God for.

Celebrate with friends. Go out and watch a movie or eat in Mercato. Just enjoy the company of friends God gifted you with.

3. Enjoy your day.
No pressure. Laugh. Live. Learn. Have fun.

TO THE MARRIED…

1. Clarify expectations.
We end up disappointed when we are unclear about some of our expectations. Worse, we compare our spouse to others that we see online. Be secure in your relationship. God brought you together. He is the glue that bonds you. Remember, the two have become one. He is the Author of your relationship.

2. Match expectations with your budget.
Because of the pressure that besets us, we forget that Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be just on February 14. You can celebrate before or after. That way, you even avoid heavy traffic and high costs. At the same time, Valentine’s Day doesn’t just have to be on February 14. It can be celebrated Jan 7, March 26, July 1, September 17. In other words, you can celebrate it every day with the one God gave you.

3. Enjoy your day.
Look at each other and say a prayer. Thank God for each other. Give each other a kiss (or more since you’re married. Ha!) But whatever it is, have fun. You are with the person gifted you with.

To the dads, make sure you make your daughters feel loved and appreciated. If they find it at home, they won’t need to look for it outside. I give my daughter a bouquet of flowers every year during Valentine’s Day so that when a man tries to sweep her off her feet by giving her flowers, it won’t really impress her much. Ha!

FAILURE DOESN’T MAKE YOU A FAILURE

This week, I heard about many students who felt discouraged after they didn’t make it to the university that they applied for. They felt that their dreams have been dashed.

There are those who started the year with bad news – losing a loved one.
Others, business hasn’t been growing. In fact, it’s been taking a nose dive.

But whatever our situation may be, know that our current reality does not determine our identity.

Jesus does.

Neither does your past failures.
Your past doesn’t determine who you are.

Being “in Christ” determines our identity.

Our theme this week for our prayer and fasting globally is “In Christ.”

“In Christ” determines our new identity. Being in Christ not only redefines who we are, but it also supersedes all other possible definitions. Gender, culture, nationality, ethnicity, political affiliation – every label is secondary and subservient to our identity in Christ.” (Ephesians: In Christ Manual)

Remember, His image is stamped on you. Who you are is because of who He is not what you have done or have failed to do.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)