I tucked my kids to bed a few minutes ago.

Two of them had an argument because one said something hurtful towards another.

The easiest thing to do is to tell one to ask for forgiveness and for the other one to acknowledge and forgive. Then life moves on.

I’ve done that so many times.

But tonight, we tried to get to the heart of the behavior.

Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) says, “Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life.”

It is the heart that drives behavior.

I asked both, “When you are mean towards one another, what is really going on? What is the heart of the issue?”

I asked that question because when one is hurt, s/he will try to retaliate to make the other feel his/her hurt.

We talked about the root of the behavior. It really is PRIDE.

“Because I got hurt, I will try to make you feel my pain by hurting you back.”

We don’t articulate this, but in effect, it is what we actually end up doing.

2 QUICK THOUGHTS:

1. As parents, it is good to not just ‘fix the problem’ and then move on. Telling them to go to their room is probably the simplest way to do it. But it doesn’t solve the heart issue. It actually worsens if unresolved.

2. Unfortunately, this type of thing doesn’t just happen to kids. It happens to adults as well… all the time. We retaliate when we get hurt.

Hurt people hurt people. But free people free people.

Lord, teach us to see the folly of our behavior and go beyond the surface to check out the heart issue. When we see the real issue, that’s when we can go to you and ask for grace to overcome. In and of ourselves, it is virtually and absolutely impossible. Yet your grace is more than sufficient.

Going through the book of 1st and 2nd Kings, you’ll notice a phrase that keeps getting mentioned, “…and he did evil in the eyes of the Lord…” (1 Kings 15:25-26, 33-34, 16:24, 30, 22:52)

From Ahaziah to Asa, Pekahiah to Pekah, Joram to Jeroboam. The list goes up to 32.

Only 8 of the 40 kings did not have this phrase attached to his name.

One of the things that the kings failed to achieve (though they won many wars and battles) is that they didn’t build sons.  They built kingdoms, yes, but they didn’t build sons.

As a father, what are you trying to accomplish?

Deuteronomy 6:4-7 sh0ws us our 2-fold job description as a dad.

4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

1. TO LOVE GOD WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

A lot of this is caught rather than taught.

As we love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength, our kids will observe it and imitate.

A word of caution, they can tell if it’s fake or real.  Kids these days are way too smart.  They can smell hypocrisy from 100 miles.

2. TO TEACH OUR SONS DILIGENTLY

Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

In other words, wherever you are, talk to them about God’s word.  This cannot just happen in church or else our kids will learn to compartamentalize their spiritual life.

“Worshipping God is at church. But when I’m in school, I’m worshipping someone else.”

They will not articulate that statement but they may definitely fall into the trap of living it.

Whether we are a royalty or a ‘commoner’, we are not exempted from these.  This is something we cannot delegate to our ‘subjects’ or to our ‘servants’.

I tucked my kids to bed tonight.

We usually have devotions before they go to bed.

Our topic tonight was making major decisions.

I told them that in life, they will be making 3 major ones.

These are the 3 that I told them.

1. WHO WILL YOU SERVE?

Will you serve Jesus, self or the devil?

Joshua challenged God’s people, “choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve … But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:15).

This is the first and most important decision you’ll ever make.

And this is one decision you cannot keep putting off.  Remember, not deciding is a decision. You’ve decided not to accept Him into your life. We are either for Him or against Him.  There’s no middle ground.

2. HOW WILL YOU SERVE?

I told my kids that they will have to make a decision how they’ll serve Jesus.

It doesn’t necessarily mean being in full-time ministry as a pastor or a missionary because you can serve Him wherever you are – in athletics, the arts, banking, insurance industry… as in WHEREVER.

Serving Him is not a matter of location but posture of the heart.

3. WITH WHOM WILL YOU SERVE HIM?

I told them that this will be a million years from now. Haha!

But I did say that they will get married one day and making this decision of with whom they’ll serve Jesus with is a critical one.

So I laid my hands on them and prayed for their future spouses – that as early as now, God would prepare the person they’ll spend the rest of their lives with as much as God is preparing them too.

But again, that will still be a million years from now.

I had dinner with our Senior Pastor from our Every Nation Church in Christchurch New Zealand.  Brian (who is one of our fine campus ministers at Victory Fort) and I listened as we learned a lot from Bernhard Wewege.

Here are some of the parenting tips we learned from him:

1. LOVE YOUR SPOUSE.

Your children will grow up very secure as they see Mom and Dad sincerely take care of each other in good times and bad.  They will not articulate how secure they feel especially as young tots, but this is going to be very clear as they grow into adulthood.

2. GET INVOLVED.

Know your kids’ friends.  Find out what they like and they don’t like.  Learn the things they love doing.  Study your kids and get into it.

Recitals.  Sporting events.  Graduations.  Exhibits.  Musical shows.

Be sure to be there.

3. LEAVE ROOM FOR MISTAKES.

As parents, we don’t like our kids to commit the same mistakes we committed in the past.  We try our very best to protect them so they avoid the pitfalls that life may bring.

Unfortunately, we can’t be GOD because we are NOT.  We can’t be there 24/7.  We just need to keep pounding on the principles we desire to lodge in their hearts and hope that when the time comes, they’ll have the wisdom to apply what they have learned.

4. MODEL FAITH.

We can’t tell them to live for God if we ourselves don’t.  Devotions in the morning can’t be forced.  They are modeled.  Prayer times are not mandated.  They are exemplified.  Believing God for greater things can’t be decreed.  They have to be exercised in front of our kids.

Model faith in Christ.  Remember, much of it is caught not taught.

5. PRAY.

There is no greater parenting tip than to pray for your kids everyday.

Pastor Bernhard talked about praying for your kids’ hearts to have a tenderness toward the Holy Spirit.

Why?  Many times, they actually know right from wrong.  It is the tenderness to the Holy Spirit, to listen to His voice and prompting, that will make them have a desire to obey God and do the right thing.

I am so thankful for mentors like Pastor Bernhard who we can glean from and learn from so we can become the parents God designed us to be.

“I don’t know where to start… there is so much I want to tell you about the real me, but you only see me as your “little girl.”  In fact, we’ve even joked about it before.

I remember when we first moved to Kansas.  I was growing out of the back rub stage, but I guess the move made me need you even more.  You wrote me a letter when I was eight, commenting on this, but I still needed those back rubs.  You sent me the letter nine years later and I read it for the first time a week ago.  I sobbed when I read it.  I realized that every once in a while I still need a daddy to take me in his arms and protect me from this awful world and keep me out of harm’s way.  Yet I need a father ,too.  Someone who will prepare me for the real world.  Daddy, will you be my father, too?”

Here’s a few key thoughts Chap and Dee Clark wanted to share so we can be the dads our girls need to be:

1. Take her seriously.

When a child enters adolescence, the key word for her is independence.  This is an adolescent quest – to be treated as and to feel like an individual who matters.

2. Care about what she thinks.

Let her know that her opinions and ideas are important to you.  She is not just part of the family, but she is an important part of the family.

3. Walk with her through the journey of the adolescence.

She inherently needs and desires a unique relationship with daddy.  This is an opportunity to treat her in a more grown up way and to trust and encourage her as she navigates these years.

But the most important thing is to let her know that whatever happens, daddy is for her, with her and will journey with her through everything she’d go through.

- International staff meeting was fantastic!  I’ve never been so glad to be part of Every Nation family.  Forty plus nations in one room.  A taste of Revelation 7:9.

- Praise and Worship was electrifyingly glorious.  Jon Owens and Neli Atiga… no words to describe.

- Great to see friends from all over the world.

- Pastor Jim Laffoon shared a very timely message for people in full time staff and those actively involved in ministry.

• • “Spirit of Exodus is about to come.  Multitudes are going to find freedom through the gospel.”
  • “This decade is going to be a decade of supernatural power.”
  • “There is going to be magnificent harvest in this decade – unique and tremendous harvest.”
  • “There will be 10 years of growth in a period of just 5 years.”
  • Ezekiel 43:-13.  God’s presence, glory and power will be settling upon His people.

- He then gives out a few warnings…

• • “When God touches something, don’t take the credit; fall down on your face and be thankful.”
  • “Be careful that you don’t get overwhelmed by the growth – don’t get hurt along the way.

- He then gives 2 determinations

1. Draw closer to Christ!

• • “We’ve stayed so connected to our technology that I wonder if we still are connected with God.”
  • “Podcasts, websites, twitter, sermon helps are great but don’t let it be a God-replacement.”
  • “I’m afraid sometimes that technology has mastered us.”

2. Walk under the covering of God.

• • Pray for His protection.

- Reports from all over the world blew everyone away.  So awed by what God is doing in the nations.  Yet we are barely scratching the surface.  Just glad we’re a part of it though.

- Seeing our leaders have fun on stage is so refreshing. So fun to be a Christian.  Love being in this spiritual family.

- Lunch with Pastor Sam Webb, Pastor Ariel and Shirley Marquez.

- Breakout sessions: Discipleship@Home.  What an honor co-teaching with Pastor David Houston and Sandy.  I remember when they taught in a preconference meeting in 1995.  I attended and we didn’t have kids yet.  A lot of what Jenn and I shared we learned from them anyway… and from Ariel and Shirley… and Joel and Jenny Magpantay… and Steve and Deborah Murrell… and Joey and Marie Bonifacio.

- Spent a few moments with some pastors from Melbourne, Australia – Planet Shakers.  Great bunch of guys.

- Dinner with Jonathan and Joanne Pardey and their kids from South Africa.  We’re hosting them while they are here.  What a privilege and honor.  So we’ll have 8 kids in the house – their 4 and our 4.  What a riot!

Did I already say I’m so blessed to be part of this spiritual family?

- What an amazing day!

This morning, as I drove my kids to school, right when we pulled up at the school’s driveway, one them told me that a math book was forgotten and left at home.  The easiest thing to do is to be a super daddy, come to rescue by going home and bringing it to school.  Or… why not have our driver get it and pick it up.  That’s why we got one for emergencies like these, right?  Not really.

Well, my child might get a zero for this homework but I believe that would be one of the biggest lessons our children can learn.  I know you might be thinking, “what a monster dad!”  But learning consequences is one of the biggest lessons we can teach our children.  We cannot always rescue because that’s not how life works often enough.

There were times I’ve driven home to get something and bring it to school to illustrate grace and relate it with the grace of God in our lives.  But that’s few and far in between.

Teaching responsibility and realizing the consequences of being the opposite is a great lesson to learn early in life.

A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance. Blessed is the man who reveres God, but the man who doesn’t care is headed for serious trouble. Proverbs 28: 13-14

Samuel was one of the greatest prophets during the Old Testament.  He served as Israel’s judge for many years (1 Samuel 7:15-17).  In fact, he was the one who anointed Israel’s first King.

He had so many accomplishments as the nation’s judge and prophet.

However…

“… his sons did not walk in his ways.  They turned aside after dishonest gain and accepted bribes and perverted justice.” (1 Samuel 8:3)

I cannot exchange ministry success with failure in the home.  It won’t be right to sacrifice family in the altar of success.  I cannot.  We should not.  There’s just no comparison.

I told our staff yesterday at Victory Fort that as a pastor, I am not indispensable.   There are lots who can replace me with what I do for the church – better, smarter and more gifted guys.  But as a husband and father, there’s just no replacement.  My kids will only have one dad.  If the time comes that I’ll have to choose between my family and the church (which I hope will never come), I’m outta here.

You guys know me.  I’m a ‘whatever-it-takes’ kind of guy.  I will do whatever it takes to advance the kingdom of God.  But between ministry success and family, there’s really just no competition at all.

Therefore, as early as now, one of the things I need to teach my kids is to teach them self-discipline.

Self discipline is saying no to foolish behavior so that he can say yes to the plans and purposes God has for his life.

Our goal as parents is that our kids will eventually become their own disciplinarian.
Here’s how Steve Farrar puts it on raising self-disciplined kids, particularly boys:

• A self-disciplined son learns to control his emotions and drives.  In other words, he can put a cap on his anger and exercise control in his sex life.
• A self-disciplined son respects authority, even when he doesn’t agree with it.
• A self-disciplined son grasps the value of future reward over immediate gratification.
• A self-disciplined son has learned to see outside his own little world of his own needs.  In fact, he sees it as his honor and duty to sacrifice to meet the needs of those he loves.
• A self-disciplined son is a self-starter.  He doesn’t need his mom to get him up every morning so that he won’t be late for his senior English class.

Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives. (Prov. 19:18, NLT)

Parenting Teens: How To Keep Yourself From Asking, “Where Did We Go Wrong?”
Can’t miss this. March 27, 2010.